My coaches Markus recently sent an email asking for a last-minute meeting. He was dealing with a complex challenge and wanted to discuss it with me. He didn’t want to explain the details over email, but rather in person. When he finally arrived for the coaching session, I immediately sensed that something was off. His jaw was tense, and before he could even sit down, it burst out of him: “No!”
Confused, I looked at him, but his explanation came quickly: “Why is it so hard for me to say no?” I have known Markus for some time and know that he dislikes saying no. He is someone who likes to please everyone.
“I’ve already consciously reduced tasks to relieve the team and focus on value-adding activities,” Markus continued. “And then the CEO comes with a new project that will occupy several of us for months. What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to overload myself or my team, but I also don’t want to disappoint the board …”
A few months ago, we had aligned Markus’ work environment to a value-centered culture, and now it was up to him to maintain that principle—which also includes saying no. To lighten the mood a bit, I gave Markus a small prompt in the form of a quote: “The ability to say no is the first step to freedom.” This was not my quote but was famously stated by the French writer Nicolas Chamfort.
I know that “no” is one of the hardest words to say. There will always be moments when superiors ask you to take on additional activities—and it is up to you as a leader to decide how to respond and what price you might pay if you say yes to everything.
In my view, the ability to say no is a leadership skill that leaders must master—even though it is often far from easy.
Markus understands the concept, yet he feels caught in a bind because, in his hierarchical organization with clear authority lines, he cannot simply reject tasks. It is now crucial that he learns to clarify what he is currently working on and why. Saying no is particularly difficult for him because he wants to be fair to both his superiors and his team members. But effective leadership also requires the art of refusal.
Saying no indirectly
In leadership, saying no is often necessary to protect the team and avoid confusion from constantly shifting priorities. A direct no is sometimes unnecessary because there are many ways to decline indirectly without offending anyone.
For this reason, I walk Markus through several scenarios and show him how he could respond. I ask him how he would react if someone came to him with a promising idea or if he received a new assignment from his superiors. Markus is initially unsure—should he say no? On the other hand, the initiative could be valuable, and rejecting a superior’s task outright is usually not an option. I then provide him with a possible formulation he could use:
“Would completing this new task create enough value to justify reconsidering our current priorities?”
This question can be applied in almost any situation, and there are two possible outcomes:
Option 1: The ideal scenario
Rarely, the task or initiative indeed has significant added value. The problem is that all resources are already fully committed. Many leaders risk falling into the trap of immediately agreeing without much thought.
Here, I always recommend communicating that there is no buffer and exploring how to tackle the task together. One option could be to prioritize this new initiative over current tasks and adjust the plan accordingly. Alternatively, if you want to avoid delaying ongoing projects, you can discuss reallocating resources from other projects. This is an excellent opportunity to involve your superior in solving potential resource issues. I advise Markus to use “we”-statements to share responsibility with his superior.
Option 2: Reality
In reality, new initiatives are often not more valuable than current projects—a lesson Markus has learned more than once. He has sometimes been assigned seemingly urgent, current, or innovative projects without having the courage to object. To prevent this, he could respond as follows:
“Sure, that sounds interesting. Let’s review our current priorities and then decide together how this fits in.”
This steers the conversation toward evaluating priorities without having to reject the task outright. If there is pressure to pursue the new project, a follow-up question could be:
“Okay, this would require reallocating resources, which might jeopardize ongoing projects. Would it be acceptable to you if this current project isn’t realized in a worst-case scenario?”
Be aware of the consequences of saying yes
Finally, I remind Markus that opening a dialogue with “Let’s first examine how this impacts our existing plans” is the most skillful way to say no indirectly. He should always remember that saying yes to everything puts both him and his team under enormous pressure—and we all know the consequences of that.
Do you, as a leader like Markus, also find it difficult to say no? Leadership coaching is a great way to work on this skill—I can guide you through it. Book a no-obligation introductory session today.